International Cake Day, celebrated every November 26, is gearing us up for our national day of gluttony/pumpkin-flavored genocide.
The first iterations of cake date back to ancient Egypt when unleavened bread was cooked over a hot stone and offered to deities, a practice that serves as a predecessor of the birthday cakes we consume, wish upon, and openly contaminate today.
In ancient Greece, worshippers of Artemis, the goddess of hunting, wild animals, and the moon, would bring lunar-shaped cakes to her temple, studying the sweets with lit candles in an attempt to mimic the high shine of the full moon.
Throughout the Middle Ages, cake became a staple of the rich, a class divide made infamous by Scorpio Queen Marie Antoinette’s fabled suggestion that the starving French populous “eat cake” if they couldn’t spring for bread.
Rude.
The advent of the Industrial Revolution leveled (leavened?) the playing field for pastries, making cakes accessible to all social strata, not just the wealthy.
Because the internet fosters feuds and unrealistic expectations, we can’t have nice things that serve to explain the traction of #CakeGate
By the slice and the signs, read on to learn more.
Red Velvet cake
Aries is ruled by blood-spilling, bold-moving, fire-breathing Mars, and the power color of these power players is arterial red, making this classic cake a fitting choice for this fire sign. Aries is the sign of conflict and during the one-two punch of World War I and the Great Depression, bakers who came up short on dairy rations began moistening their cakes with beet juice to turn the batter blood red.
Runner up for Aries cake goes to this “I’m sorry I tased you” apology cake.
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Black Forest cake
As a Venus-ruled earth sign, Taurus is prone to an “excess is best” ethos, a belief system baked into the Black Forest cake, an extra rich (Taurus hates poor) chocolate cake studded with cherries (a fruit of Venus) traditionally served with a shot of kirsch poured over each slice.
Drunk on decadence and death before dieting? An apt epitaph for the people of the bull.
Hummingbird cake
Gemini is ruled by Mercury, the never-silent, can’t-be-still, story-spinning, propaganda-disseminating planet of the mind. The energy of Gemini is perhaps best encapsulated in the high voltage BPM, pollinating quickly and fleeing fast energy of the hummingbird. The hummingbird is also the national bird of Jamaica and the namesake of this recipe, which was developed in the late ’60s by Jamaica’s tourist board to push/promote the island’s flavors.
Gemini is the sign of duality and as Epicurious reports, “The hummingbird cake sits as a star example of the way Jamaica sought others to see it in contrast to its actual reality.”
Strawberry shortcake/Troll cake
Cancer is a sign synonymous with home and the traditions it fosters. In-kind and cake, strawberry shortcakes’ origins are distinctly American, adapted from the baking practices of Indigenous peoples who mixed strawberries and other fruit into cornmeal to make the earliest iterations of strawberry shortcakes.
In terms of tendencies, Cancers, sentimental freaks that they are, are certainly to blame for the tradition of preserving wedding cakes for decades. If Cancer were a viral food trend they would absolutely be Troll Cakes Bakery and Detective Agency, a firm that specializes in turning ugly internet commentary into cake decoration and delivering it back and baked to the hate mongers responsible.
Making mothertruckers face their faults and eat their words? Pure poetry for the crab contingent.
Confetti cake
As supreme Leo Julia Childs reminds us, “A party without cake is just a meeting,” and a cake without sprinkles is a resignation to mediocrity.
Lions will tolerate neither.
Funfetti lets the world know, and the office party knows you’re here for a good time and ready to share. You eat icing off of your fingers and can always be convinced to have a drink before noon. Apropos of Leo ruling the fifth house of pleasure and play; confetti cake is a veritable party in a box and a gateway drug for good times.
Astrology 101: Your guide to the star
Angel Food cake
Virgo is represented by the Virgin, and though these sexual deviants are far from pure, they are puritanical in their standards. In-kind, Angel Food cake batter demands flour to be sifted and egg whites be beaten to an exact degree of perfection in order to be born/baked anew as a cake fit for the divine, rising high above its lessers with a low caloric footprint and a smug, ethereal texture.
Pound cake
Libra is represented by the scales and balances of justice, and the pound cake makes good on exact measurements. Calling for a pound of sugar, a pound of flour, a pound of eggs, and a pound of butter, the cake is as pleasing and easy as a Libra at a wedding reception.
Geode cake
Scorpio oversees all that lies beneath: secrets, subterranean criminal lairs, sewers, and power crystals. The geode cake celebrates the sacred underneath and, apropos of a sign that rules the genitalia, looks remarkably like a vagina.
Runner-up goes to this vasectomy cake and this freaky pastry effigy of notable Scorpio King Charles.
Funnel cake
Sagittarius is the sign of good times, convivial atmospheres, risk, excess, travel, freedom, and spirituality. In-kind, the Funnel cake symbolizes the carnival coming to town, bringing with it dicey rides, games of chance, the smell of motor oil, and deep-fried revelry.
Add to the batter that Funnel cakes came to our shores under the heavy wool and in the hopeful hearts of the Pennsylvania Dutch who fled their European homes to escape religious persecution.
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Devil’s Food cake
In the Major Arcana of the tarot, Capricorn is represented by the nude servant wrangling, cloven hoof stomping Devil card, and this here is the dark lord’s namesake cake. Called so for the decadence of dark chocolate and a taste so good it must be sin, Devil’s Food cake speaks to the spirit of the sea goat who works hard, lives rich, and loves to circle the drain of depravity.
Ice cream cake
The joyless detractors of ice cream cake argue that it is challenging to make, difficult to store and arduous to cut. Cold and difficult themselves, Aquarius is the sign of innovation and technology, including but not limited to deep freezers, hybrids of all kinds, and sex with robots.
Unsurprisingly, Sylvia Weinstock, the “da Vinci of Wedding Cakes,” who pioneered the art of multiple tiers and edible art, was a card-carrying Aquarius.
Pineapple Upside Down cake
Pisces is Pineapple Upside Down cake because no matter the occasion or preparation, a Pineapple Upside Down cake invariably appears slightly drunk and/or absolutely falling apart. The unnatural color scheme of electric piss yellow and horror red conspire to remind me of a clown coming down off of MDMA in the noonday sun. Yum.
Astrologer Reda Wigle researches and irreverently reports back on planetary configurations and their effect on each zodiac sign. Her horoscopes integrate history, poetry, pop culture, and personal experience. To book a reading, visit her website.
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